I think its pretty clear. But, as this resonates deeply as I see myself in a bull$#+ situation, arm twisted behind my back and kept there due to "her" comfort, and by contrast severe depreciation of empathetic cognition. Shes my wife. That cant change. But even my destruction within and beyond has no viable use to her, givin' active efforts to remain blind entirely to anything that has to do with me.
Then she shows up, with my son,(seen on his 11th b-day, then again 5 years later, unreachable throughout) and again a week later. What was good and scarred began to bleed. I still have not been givin a single reason, yet after telling me she ", me, and possibly is in love with me still", she "refuses to allow information enabling me to destroy what she's built". She appeared 2 weeks after 11th b-day with divorce papers, signed them, and for human reasons, cowardice and not a little bit of unhealthy defense mechanisms, have been 100% (hand to the lord, avoiding the hardest thing isn't difficult) absent from her environment since, until she's at my door.
Ok, 4 or so months later, Facebook messenger the only medium allowed to communicate, terms laid out for a safety completely without cause.
I'm not innocent. I was a cheater, before our marriage. Completely admitted, and painfully hammered out into (alleged) issues engaged, overcome, and stronger for it. I certainly was. Never have I believed in anything more, not least of which being believed, without reason, when I said "I cant see others that way anymore, cause they cant have givin what [she] had givin me." 8 months later, shes "terrified of me. Zero reasons, but I exit without battle. I love her.
My crimes, I've NEVER shirked. At the cost of erased confidence, cashed in on sex. Building it back, slowly, obliterated with a visit. But submitting to regulations required for reasons non-existent beyond her own skull, I couldn't survive. I can see myself doing it though, easily. Doesn't love, the word, insinuate she should too? Ok, even after I explained my thoughts, and still zero reasons offered, nor concessions made? A picture, imaginary kodak, in my mind starts grey, wave it in the immediate atmosphere, and clarity begins. If I can be led to this maze for cheese at the end, without (likely, and more) any definable reason at all, could she run me through it, pitfalls be damned, for no mores purpose?
Apparently.
Love me? She couldn't know me. Least of all believe after surviving our shatter, that I or any sane(ish) person couldn't be entirely changed from it. If there's a reason I'm too forgiving to require, its not to benefit me. Maybe not anyone.
Watching "better call Saul", just sent message yesterday explaining that I only pushed send after writing and saving 15 letters that had to say the same thing. This, indicating to me that I'm not acting on temporary emotions, enticing either a signal from her that shows anything relating to love as we DAMN SURE knew it, or a final straw validating complete lack thereof, begging the question, "What manner of ambush lies in that love-shaped space shown to be empty of it?". Followed closely by " if she can first abandon sans reason, later rewound without empathy (to be as positive to her image as stretching likelihood may allow), what could be plausible once my complete surrender happens, softened and laid prone by hope, faith, and love-fueled stupidity? If she knows me not, only the truly stupid could believe he knows her.
P.S. Her change of career during my absence! Running for legislature. Politician. She'll do well, I wager. That says what about voters? Don't care.
This song. She's my wife, in any shape or form, state of being. She deserves what she gave me. Absolute faith of good intent and purpose despite all facts defying that truth. And at worst, I get killed. I signed paperwork divircine myself my family af 13 years, enabling her and I to believe me a monster worthy of terror, and left her all there was, including all proof we ever were, that I eax anything more than a high school graduate who's year off went 2 decades, to relatives, employers, dept of wealth and hellfare, and that's costly to recently sacrificed confidence. So she gets a chance to surprise me with a miracle. Only something like a miracle would I be able to believe in again anyway, and besides; shes done it before. Utter and complete awe, impossible happening point blank, undeniable, for me, because of me, beyond magic.
The best or worst, come what may.
Except locked silent in fading hope, limbo, a pow of a long dead war, a criminal, post sentence, debt paid, retried and bullied inches from false confession by that which is NOT a tool for use.
What wife could want such a husband (houseband)? Fish cant live on land, cats below water. Love couldn't survive self imprisoned with agony of failure of purpose every second of life left to live, wandered by itself.
So, bring the miracle or snap the trap. I wont let me bleed out. Not again. Not twice in this life.
And thank you, wife, for our us. Totally worth it, come what may to you hand, by your side, at least ill be where I'm supposed to be again. Waiting...
To moderators. "Clearly off topic" I swear, is fuzzy here. This song's literally touches dead center to 85% lowball, of my entire existence, suchbas it is. Bodily functions and other life-necessary assumptions excluded, as it's not at all funny. I have no point to make. Not even off chance lessen the isolated hell of another through similar contrivance. I loaded lyrics to learn title/artist, purposed to share link to messenger. Meaning of lyrics was brought up, then the question posed to, I suppose, the literate; what do these lyrics mean to you? Will you write about it?
Meaning scale, almost entirely disproportionate beyond understanding, or description, be assured, meaning is present. As was, as sole rep of content, scenario necessary in order for a glimmer of chance to be possible to hint at magnitude, and through it, the relevance in question. At need not move one to joy. Yet move one, it should.
You asked. I hope if not at the time, now, sheer diversity enabled via internet equals as many views, opinions, and methods of expression inherent with such a form of VAST public accessibility. That your judgement, tolerance, and ability to intake the different without fear of change ordering aggressive mindsets. Evolution is made in such ways. As is genocide as well, no less simply begun.
"I'm just a humble acorn. Nobody know me, and I, no one. But I dream of forests..."
PCE
