Drive-By Truckers – Mrs. Claus' Kimono lyrics

I'm a sinister elf,
With a sinister plan,
Santa's little helper,
With too much time on my hands,
He's got a fine lookin' wife,
For such an old man,
I can see her lookin' at me,
When there is no one else around.
And I'm countin' down the days to December 24th,
The old mans in his sleigh,
I am sneakin' in the back door,
She asks if I know what the candy cane is for,
While he's slidin' down the chimney,
I'll be comin' back for more.

Not really worried 'bout the old man findin' out,
'Cuz me and Rudolph worked the whole thing out,
It's not about vengeance or anything like that,
I just want a little sex,
And the old man off my back.

Rudy's out for blood,
'Cuz he hates the fat old man,
'Cuz he caught him in the stables with his fat little hands

On a female reindeer he likes named Wynona,
And the last thing he wants to see is Santa on her,
So we're loadin' up the toy sack with heroin and crack

We sent Santa off to Georgia,
He ain't comin' back,
And we call up an evil green Grinch,
To tell him Santa's holdin',
And they'll have him on the chain gang,
And the electric chair,
The electric chair

And there'll be a happy ending,
All you girls and all you boys
There won't be no more Santa,
There won't be no more toys

There'll be no stoppin' Rudy and Wynona,
And I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' Kimono
I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' Kimono
I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' Kimono
I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' Kimono
Merry Christmas