Guttermouth – Jamie's Petting Zoo lyrics

I've had my pet
Since I was nine years old
I loved him and fed him
But one day he attacked
I knew he didn't love me back
So I grabbed him like a football
And punted fifty yards

Now I hate pets
Take yourself to the vet
Now I hate pets
Dolphins trapped in little nets
Now I hate pets
You little fucking
Screaming shit-bag
I should of let your mother
Eat you, little fucker

So I got a little birdy
And I trained it everyday
He knew 1000 words
But then he flew away
But then I got him back
The fucker wouldn't shut his trap
So I took him to the bathroom
And rubbed his beak in shit

Now I hate pets
Spotted owls in their nests
Now I hate pets
Bagged a deer and made a vest
Now I hate pets
Birds and bees and bears and bison
Pigs and parrots and pandas
I fucking hate them all!!!

I was walking through the park
When a snake peered from his hole
A perfect opportunity
To take the bastard home
I chopped his fucking head off
With my handy garden hoe
And made a lovely hat-band
For my redneck cousin Bo, heee-haaw!

Now I hate pets
10, 000 volts to the chest
Now I hate pets
Fed my cat some cigarettes
Now I hate pets
You little fucking
Screaming shit-bag
Bastard
Fuck you, you
Fucking pig-shit licker, fuck!!!!!!