Saturday Night Live – Trojan Horse Home Security lyrics

[ open on Mr. and Mrs. Kromer sitting on the couch in their living room ]

Mr. Kromer: Oh, honey! "Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.

Mrs. Kromer: Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired. I think I'm just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?

Mr. Kromer: Alright.

[ sound effect: shattering glass offscreen ]

Mrs. Kromer: What was that?! What's going on?!

[ a man in a ski mask rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery. Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time - in fact, it just has!

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, call the police! Do something!

Kenny Vorstrather: No, don't call the police. I am the police! I might be, anyway.. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I'm President of Trojan Horse Home Security. I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime. I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices. You might say security is my life. I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure - I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona. And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house - if.. you think.. you can..

Mr. Kromer: If I think I can?! [ stands up ]

Kenny Vorstrather: You're a pretty hefty guy, Mr. Kromer --

[ another masked man rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: [ laughs ] Don't worry, folks, you won't hurt you! This is my assistant, he's Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security. His name is Harvey Morgomaster. Harvey, like myself, is a security expert. He worked in the Army as a camoflauge artist, painting the insides of funeral homes. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home. For instance, the TPFLM System.

Mrs. Kromer: TPFLM?

Kenny Vorstrather: Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine. Or.. how about these rec room search lights, co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance. And.. for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha. It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.

Mr. Kromer: Well.. wait a minute. If we have our front lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for?

Kenny Vorstrather: [ thinking ] Okay. Okay. That's a very good question. I'm going to ask you a question now: in the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs?

Mrs. Kromer: Oh, well, we have a fridge.

Kenny Vorstrather: Okay. I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique. If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato. Just a common household tomato. Green, red, I don't care. Ripe, unripe..

Mr. Kromer: [ reluctant ] Okay.. [ stands up and heads for the kitchen. Kenny shoots gun at him. ]

Kenny Vorstrather: See how frightening that was?! How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! [ Mr. Kromer sits. Kenny hands him the gun ] Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn't it? I'm going to ask you a question, Mr. Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly: would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?

Mr. Vorstrather: Well.. no.. of course not.

Kenny Vorstrather: Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?

Mrs. Kromer: Well, it would depend on who the person..

Kenny Vorstrather: Uhhhhh.. look, Mr. Kromer, how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, two million dollars, if you had it?

Mr. Kromer: Well.. yeah, if I had it, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Or.. one million dollars?

Mr. Kromer: Sure. If I had a million, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Have you got $499.99?

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, we were saving that money!

Mr. Kromer: We were?

Kenny Vorstrather: I don't think you know how unsafe your family really is. Uh.. where's your son, uh..

Harvey Morglomaster: Ronnie.

Kenny Vorstrather: ..Ronnie, right now?

Mrs. Kromer: Uh.. well, he's outside playing in the yard.

Kenny Vorstrather: [ dialing phone ] Ah. Hello, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya?

Mr. Kromer: [ hysterical ] We'll take it! We'll take it!

Kenny Vorstrather: [ into the phone ] Okay, let the kid go. [ hangs up phone ] I'm glad you decided. [ takes out papers ] Here, if you could sign right here, we'll have the contract drawn up..

[ Mr. and Mrs. Kromer awkwardly sign all the forms as the scene fades to black ]