Razzlekhan – SaasHoles lyrics

[sound of computer typing]

[Verse 1]
I’m sick and tired of all these SaaSHoles
Fake motherfuckers, just about growth
There ain't nothing wrong with monetizing shit
But a hockey stick won’t fix a tiny dick

Worst part of all
Dumbest motherfuckers playing know-it-all
Whoring it up on social media
They’d sell their kidney for uh Wikipedia

"I guess B2B really stands for Bullshit 2 Bullshit"

Doing fake work to pass the time
Going to conferences, pretending to grind
Strung out on addies, crackhead; toothless
Jacking off ta booth babes; their dick’s useless

[Chorus]
Scooters, Scooters
Riding around with them Apple computers
Need another big valuation to get more suitors
Getting chased by dickhead recruiters

Telecommuters
Gentrifying the city, like real uprooters
Laptop bag’s got an iPad and other minicomputers
But they got real cool Scooters
Scooters, Scooters, Scooters

[Verse 2]
[Electronic sound effects]
"Are you into chastity? I'm not a stalker by the way."

SaaSHoles, the real assholes
I’m not talking 'bout no billionaire CEOs
This song is for all you wantrepreneurs
And other tech losers (F***ing losers!)

Talkin bout employee count instead of burn rate
Buy a lot of hoodies trying to compensate
Just pour your retirement money down the drain
No SaaShole’s ever gonna make that VC money rain

“Wait: how can 30,000 people all be 30 under 30? Uhhhh.”

Propping up decks with fake stats
Trying to collect all them crypto cats
Too ratchet for the Capital One Cafe
Wait, Soylent isn’t gourmet?

“I didn’t know MRR stood for Madeup Realistic Regalia?!"

[Chorus]
SaasHoles!
Dance for VC money, Like a stripper working them poles
SaasHoles!
Vanity metrics matching their unrealistic goals
SaasHoles!
Avoid those cougars down at the Rosewood glory holes
SaasHoles!
They’ll eat your money like black holes, black holes, black holes, black holes
SaasHoles!
And Don’t forget to feed the trolls! You don't know where your money goes
SaasHoles!
They’re just f***in assholes! Mother f***ing, f***ing SaaSholes


[Verse 3]
"I have a pindick, but I really like you."

SaaSholes, the real assholes:
This is what happens when yah give millions to average joes

(Are you guys seriously out of Jersey Giants? Give me the Dorkins)

Buying designer chickens like Pharaohs
Working in a basement with no windows
Oh no, another Noisebridge overdose!
Too much heroin: he went comatose!
"Wake up bro! Wake up!"

Liz used to generate big cash flows
Big hockey stick on all her slideshows
...but THEN: her company implodes
"Wait, are you talking about Theranos?"
Well there grandpa’s retirement goes
That blood money really shows
Now grandpa has to work at Lowe’s

[Chorus]
SaasHoles!
Scooters, Scooters
Riding around with them Apple computers
Need another big valuation (SaasHoles!) to get more suitors
Getting chased by dickhead recruiters

SaasHoles!
Telecommuters
Gentrifying the city, like real uprooters
Laptop bag’s got an iPad (SaasHoles!) and other minicomputers
(SaasHoles!)
But they got real cool Scooters
Scooters, Scooters
SaasHoles!

[sound of computer typing]
"Please disregard any emails from me in the past 12 hours. My email was hacked!"